storypaint (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
storypaint) wrote2011-06-01 01:55 am
storypaint) wrote2011-06-01 01:55 am
Entry tags:
[Glee] qualifying (Sue gen)
Title: qualifying
Fandom: Glee
Length: 663 words
Prompt: fic_promptly: Glee, Sue Sylvester, her job application for the position at William McKinley High School
Pairing: Sue gen
Other: PG for general Sue-like threats and insults.
Excerpt: Of all of the schools in Ohio that I canvassed this summer, I have determined that your lax child labor laws and uncaring administration are the best combination to ensure my success at achieving a Nationals-quality cheerleading squad. Therefore, I require that you fire your current personnel and install me immediately
Dear Peon,
Please note that calling my phone number and not leaving a sufficient message is a crime punishable by law, and I will prosecute if necessary. Following is my application to teach cheerleading at your pathetic high school. Of all of the schools in Ohio that I canvassed this summer, I have determined that your lax child labor laws and uncaring administration are the best combination to ensure my success at achieving a Nationals-quality cheerleading squad. Therefore, I require that you fire your current personnel and install me immediately. I will be arriving exactly three hours after this letter, and I expect my office to be empty and clean.
I have enclosed my resume on the off-chance that you have not heard of the great Sue Sylvester. (If this is the case, I suggest you spend ten minutes on Youtube and bring a bucket, in case you have to vomit due to your low self-esteem.)
Qualifications.
Education and Training.
Ohio teaching certification, year irrelevant
Although the teaching authority has a policy of never revealing their students' scores, I can assure you that I achieved an A grade, with a 10% bonus when I rescued the instructor from a dull afternoon waiting for the rest of the terrible candidates to finish their tests by setting the room on fire.
Rhodes Scholar at Oxford University, years irrelevant.
Do not call the University to check my qualifications, as they seem to find it necessary to disassociate themselves from the person who will be their most famous graduate, due to various quasi-legal activities during my undergrad. They'll come crawling back when I become famous.
McKinley Senior High School, years irrelevant
If you go into the girls' bathroom on the second floor, the first stall, you can see an annotated list of my extra-curricular activities written in indelible ink, as well as a list of all of the children whose lives I made miserable at the time. I made this list all those years ago in anticipation of this moment. I will continue to add to this shrine as necessary.
Employment History.
Cincinnati Public High School #68, years irrelevant
When my squad failed to make Nationals this year, for the third time, I decided it was time to abandon them and find a more worthy group to coach. They will be in PTSD therapy for most of the next year.
Rocking Horse Day Care, years irrelevant
My attempts to find future cheerleading members among the toddlers of Lima met with mixed results. For some reason, the parents were displeased when I offered to become the Batman-like mentor to their little wobbly Robins, and I chose to leave. It was taking much too long to find candidates. Many of them couldn't even walk more than four steps without falling into something, anyway, and then there was all the crying. My cheerleaders will have their tear ducts removed at earliest convenience.
Government work, years irrelevant
Most of the details of my employment during this time are classified and unavailable to civilians. The skills I learned during my time in the armed forces will be an invaluable teaching aid and motivator. So will the flamethrower I brought home with me.
Community Involvement.
I have also included copies of all relevant newspaper articles featuring myself and a ransom letter for Figgin's cat. I will also receive a week's pay in advance.
Looking forward to working closely with you in the future,
Sue Sylvester
Fandom: Glee
Length: 663 words
Prompt: fic_promptly: Glee, Sue Sylvester, her job application for the position at William McKinley High School
Pairing: Sue gen
Other: PG for general Sue-like threats and insults.
Excerpt: Of all of the schools in Ohio that I canvassed this summer, I have determined that your lax child labor laws and uncaring administration are the best combination to ensure my success at achieving a Nationals-quality cheerleading squad. Therefore, I require that you fire your current personnel and install me immediately
SUE SYLVESTER
1-800-A WINNER
admin@suesylvester.com
Dear Peon,
Please note that calling my phone number and not leaving a sufficient message is a crime punishable by law, and I will prosecute if necessary. Following is my application to teach cheerleading at your pathetic high school. Of all of the schools in Ohio that I canvassed this summer, I have determined that your lax child labor laws and uncaring administration are the best combination to ensure my success at achieving a Nationals-quality cheerleading squad. Therefore, I require that you fire your current personnel and install me immediately. I will be arriving exactly three hours after this letter, and I expect my office to be empty and clean.
I have enclosed my resume on the off-chance that you have not heard of the great Sue Sylvester. (If this is the case, I suggest you spend ten minutes on Youtube and bring a bucket, in case you have to vomit due to your low self-esteem.)
Qualifications.
- Letter of Commendation from former President George Bush II re: Guantanamo Bay policies
- coached Regionals-winning Cincinnati team for 3 years
- degree in teaching from Oxford University and Ohio teaching certificate
- won all past child-abuse cases in state court
Education and Training.
Ohio teaching certification, year irrelevant
Although the teaching authority has a policy of never revealing their students' scores, I can assure you that I achieved an A grade, with a 10% bonus when I rescued the instructor from a dull afternoon waiting for the rest of the terrible candidates to finish their tests by setting the room on fire.
Rhodes Scholar at Oxford University, years irrelevant.
Do not call the University to check my qualifications, as they seem to find it necessary to disassociate themselves from the person who will be their most famous graduate, due to various quasi-legal activities during my undergrad. They'll come crawling back when I become famous.
McKinley Senior High School, years irrelevant
If you go into the girls' bathroom on the second floor, the first stall, you can see an annotated list of my extra-curricular activities written in indelible ink, as well as a list of all of the children whose lives I made miserable at the time. I made this list all those years ago in anticipation of this moment. I will continue to add to this shrine as necessary.
Employment History.
Cincinnati Public High School #68, years irrelevant
When my squad failed to make Nationals this year, for the third time, I decided it was time to abandon them and find a more worthy group to coach. They will be in PTSD therapy for most of the next year.
Rocking Horse Day Care, years irrelevant
My attempts to find future cheerleading members among the toddlers of Lima met with mixed results. For some reason, the parents were displeased when I offered to become the Batman-like mentor to their little wobbly Robins, and I chose to leave. It was taking much too long to find candidates. Many of them couldn't even walk more than four steps without falling into something, anyway, and then there was all the crying. My cheerleaders will have their tear ducts removed at earliest convenience.
Government work, years irrelevant
Most of the details of my employment during this time are classified and unavailable to civilians. The skills I learned during my time in the armed forces will be an invaluable teaching aid and motivator. So will the flamethrower I brought home with me.
Community Involvement.
- chose not to destroy the public library, despite Shakespeare on the Porch Tuesday afternoons in summer
- will admit to being from Lima, OH, when interviewed on television, thus associating the community with a true winner
- shadow head of the city council
- primary editor of the Lima Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary pages
I have also included copies of all relevant newspaper articles featuring myself and a ransom letter for Figgin's cat. I will also receive a week's pay in advance.
Looking forward to working closely with you in the future,
Sue Sylvester