storypaint | At the Bottom (Eriol gen)

A repost from my home journal. You've probably already seen it.

Comm: 10hugs
Words: 401
Title: At the Bottom
Series: Cardcaptor Sakura
Character/Pairing: Hiiragizawa Eriol gen
Set: #2
Theme: #10, at the bottom of everything
Rating: PG for Emo!Eriol
Word Count: 401
Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura belongs to CLAMP.

Summary: Eriol meditates on the man who he was and is, and how much he wishes he were real. At the bottom of everything, he's only Clow again.

And then we'll get down there,
way down to the very bottom of everything
and then we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
Oh the city bus is swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one
--At the Bottom of Everything, Bright Eyes

At the bottom of everything, Eriol was Clow. And so, underneath all of the tricks and lies and magic, he wasn't real. He wasn't anybody.

Clow had died a long, long time ago, and sometimes he felt the weight of years pressing down on him, aging him before his time--ha, what a laugh, wasn't that ironic?

He couldn't remember a time before the magician's memories lived inside him and made everything that he was individually into something else. Eriol liked peanut butter sandwiches because Clow had enjoyed peanut butter once (especially feeding it to Kero). He was a charmer because once long ago Clow had charmed a woman whom no one else would approach because of fear.

He wanted to leave Japan so badly. Clow's weight was bending him down so fast that he could almost let the ghost overtake him and be him.

Selfish Clow, is this what you wanted for your reincarnation?

Fugitaka had happiness, and neither Eriol nor Clow would deny that he deserved it. The man had loved in a way that neither of them thought possible, drowning himself in awe of her, like worship but more faithful.

Eriol had Kaho, but he had Kaho like Clow had had Yuuko-- with uncomfortable presence hanging over them. With Yuuko, it had been that he knew when he was to die, and Kaho seemed to press Clow into him with every glance. It had been the old magician who had sent her dreams, wooed her beyond the grave--

Sometimes Eriol thought about getting a new girlfriend, but gave it up for bust.

When he was brooding over Sakura's next task Spinelsun would often come to him and curl up in his lap. Eriol would pet the sun guardian and wish that he was a real cat, and that he was a real boy.

But enough for brooding, for the task was at hand. This was a prime opportunity to test Sakura's strength. He gently wakened Spinel, called for Ruby, and summoned his staff to its full height. It looked ridiculous for a boy his size, as did that silly hat, but it was all as Clow had planned and desired. Eriol couldn't argue with that, could he?

Of course not. For at the bottom of everything, Eriol was still Clow. And sometimes that was a greater curse than this magic from which he was trying to free himself.