storypaint | Hollow - Writer's Commentary Edition

Title: Hollow
Series: Cardcaptor Sakura
Pairing: Daidouji Tomoyo/Kinomoto Sakura
Author: rhap_chan
Artist: sky_pirate_tat
Theme Set: Dark themes, #14
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: shojo ai
Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura belongs to CLAMP. "Not with a bang, but a whimper" is a quote from T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men." All fanfiction archived here is a derivative of canon material that is not my property. I do not profit from these writings. The opinions and actions expressed in these stories are not necessarily the views and beliefs of the original author or me.

Summary: Every day is the end of the world for Tomoyo.

Hello, and welcome to the Special Edition Writer's Commentary of "Hollow." This is kind of like watching a movie with the director's commentary turned on. This details the motivations and inspirations behind the fic, as well as some behind-the-scenes information.

As always, inspiration. Several things pulled together that prompted me to write this fic. I read "The Hollow Men" as a dramatic interpretation for my English class, and it really got me thinking about that poem again. It's very dark. One of the 31_days prompts for Oct 06 really meshed with it--"Every day is the end of the world." So that's where I started... The date that Tomoyo is writing is actually the date of the prompt. My little amusement.

Oct 9
Every day is the end of the world.

Tomoyo carefully noted this observation in her journal and put it away before class started. The thought had come to her when she woke this morning and the day was cold and rainy.

It is one of those days on which the world ends, she thought, 'not with a bang, but a whimper.' She had prepared for school in a listless manner and arrived, knowing the only bright thing today would be Sakura's smile.

I wanted this story to be listless, rainy, whimpering... already Tomoyo is quoting Eliot. She's a smart kid. She'd probably have read the poem. She does seem unusually depressed here, though.

Sakura's smile, as she looked at Syaoran. The end of Tomoyo's world. Every day.

She wondered sometimes as she watched Sakura and Syaoran how her mother had felt to see Nadeshiko and Fujitaka hold hands. Her mother had been angry, she supposed, judging by Sonomi's behavior at Sports Day. How had she kept that anger burning so hot through the years? Tomoyo didn't feel angry, she felt helpless.

The 20_inkspots prompt for this was "history repeats." Given that Tomoyo managed to make her mother's mistake, I also wanted to highlight the differences between them-- Sonomi is angry, but Tomoyo isn't at all.

An outside observer knowing their secrets would say knowingly that history repeats and would never look any closer. They were right, but wrong. Sonomi had been angry, Tomoyo was depressed. She was also a much better actress than her mother had been.

My hands are tied, she thought, walking home that day under a large black umbrella. Her happiness is my happiness, my hands are tied.

Every day is the end of the world.

Tomoyo did not appreciate the apocalypse that rose in her heart each morning after troubling her dreams. But she could not tell Sakura. That would end everything, the remaining normalcy, the few moments they had when Syaoran was not at Sakura's side. Tomoyo couldn't stand to lose that as well.

So she walked home in the rain and began sewing another costume. Tonight she would call Sakura up and beg for another photo shoot. They could use the Create card; it would be easy. For a few minutes they would have the illusion that Syaoran had never been, that Sakura would always save the day (for everyone, of course, but Tomoyo especially). For a few minutes Tomoyo would piece her world back together and her smiles would be genuine.

Poor Tomoyo. She doesn't want to be rid of Syaoran, really, even if she wishes he hasn't come. I think more than anything in this story she misses the intimacy of friendship that she shared with Sakura.

And then it was back to normal life, the next day, and Tomoyo's personal apocalypse would happen, like normal.

Depression. That's what I wanted to convey here-- quiet depression. I think I accomplished that.