The Thunder Rolls - Writer's Commentary

[storypaint]

Title: The Thunder Rolls
Pairing: Eriol/Tomoyo primarily; Tomoyo/Sakura, past Eriol/Kaho
Theme: 2. pick me up
Words: 954
Rating: PG for implied drunkenness
Excerpt: "He doesn't love her... like I do."
"No, he doesn't. But they are happy. Destiny has brought them together, and true love will keep them together."

Welcome to the Special Edition Writer's Commentary version of "The Thunder Rolls." This is kind of like watching a movie with the commentary track turned on. This commentary will detail the motivations and inspirations that went into writing this fic, as well as little behind-the-scenes notes.

Read the fic without commentary here.

First of all, the inspiration. This fic was actually my very first oneshot. I wrote it at midnight at my grandmother's house, miles away from pen and paper. Pretty much, I worked things out in my head and when I returned home I wrote the story. The original draft was entirely dialogue and I thought I was being clever by 1) asking the readers to figure out who said what and 2) insinuating Eriol/Tomoyo. At the time, I was only about halfway through canon and a mischievous fellow RPer assured me that this couple was canon.

When I came back to fanfiction after a two year break, I read all of my old stuff and hated most of it. But the only story I really, really wanted to rewrite was this one. For my first writing comm, I decided to do it. Basically, I killed everything but the dialogue, and drastically altered that as well.

...As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls
--Garth Brooks, "The Thunder Rolls"

Really, this song doesn't fit the fic. But these lyrics by themselves are perfect. It took forever to come up with a good title to this fic, but these lyrics helped. I hope readers don't think this story is about cheating or something...

When she slips away from the party, he is the first one to notice. He gives her a few minutes, in case the problem is simply a call of nature, but she doesn't return. Casually he slides away to find her. It takes about ten minutes, in that large house. All the servants have long since gone home and turned off the lights, but he doesn't need electricity to see. He finds Tomoyo in the great drawing room, staring out the picture window at the thunderstorm. The winds are high, slamming rain into the glass in a fevered percussion concert. She turns when she hears the door shut quietly, but doesn't seem surprised to see him.

When I initially wrote this fic, I had this image in my head. But I wrote the fic in dialogue and left all setting out. This time I was determined to set the right scene.

"I hate the rain," she says fiercely.

"Hmm?" Eriol says, inviting her to continue.

"I hate the rain. I hate the cards. I hate them!" she continues angrily.

He doesn't ask who "them" is. Instead, he says sadly, "You don't, not really."

Almost exactly from the original. Reading the dialogue, I almost decided to switch this to a Eriol/Meiling fic. The anger seems characteristic of Meiling. But I reread it again and kept going.

"They're getting married, you know," she says miserably. Quietly Eriol wonders at Sakura's innocence--almost stupidity in this case. How can she not notice how much Tomoyo has aged in the past few weeks? How little her best friend is eating, how wan her beautiful smile has become? Maybe it is because he is so good at hiding himself that he notices her deception. She just keeps going, even to the point of loaning her spacious home for the engagement party they both are missing.

Again, actually setting a scene. And a backstory. The engagement party was a good idea.

"Yes, I know," he replies.

"Doesn't it hurt you too? Don't you like... her? You were always flirting with her."

His eyes glitter with amusement. "I just liked to watch the expression on his face when I did."

She smiles half-heartedly. Then she turns back to the window.

"I do hate the rain! I hate everything! You don't know how it feels to have something like that happen to you."

Again, I'm beginning to wonder about the Eriol/Meiling. Maybe this deserves a third draft...

"Yes, I do."

"But you have Miss Kaho--"

"No. I don't. She broke it off."

In the original, I skipped over Kaho entirely. Here, it's almost a brush-off, but at least it's a mention. If you're going for non-canonical couples, it's usually a good idea to mention what happened to the original canon girlfriend/fiancee.

"Oh... I'm sorry. I didn't mean--"

"I understand."

They stand in silence for a moment, then she continues.

"He doesn't love her... like I do."

"No, he doesn't. But they are happy. Destiny has brought them together, and true love will keep them together."

"The 'wise magician' believes in destiny?"

"When it suits my purposes."

My favorite two lines here. Really, it was this that made me decide not to scrap and rewrite entirely. Isn't this the essence of Clow/Eriol?

At this she laughs--a real laugh, the sort she hasn't since she learned of the engagement.

There is a pregnant pause.

"You made me laugh."

"I did," he agrees.

"But... I thought that I wouldn't ever be able to laugh again."

"Life goes on."

"Mine doesn't."

"It always does. If one door closes, another opens. There's always an open door if you look for it."

And thus the original title, "Doors." But a concept that is hard to build a fic on.

"That's very wise," she replies. "But... tell me something... where is the real you? You always hide behind that 'wise, omnipotent magician' act, but surely you have a real life. What's your favorite sport, or hobby, or color? Do you ever think about that sort of thing?"

"Yes, yes I do. I like soccer, and gardening, and the color of your eyes."

Some more good dialogue. Dialogue carries this fic, but it needs background. That's what I had to learn.

She rolls her eyes. "And charming girls."

"And charming girls," he agrees with a small smile.

There is another silence.

She takes a long look at him, then says uncertainly, "We're friends, right?"

"Of course."

"Then, friend to friend... could I ask you a question?"

"I suppose."

"When you lost Miss Kaho, did it hurt you like losing her hurts me?"

Originally, this was Eriol/Tomoyo sap, but it was so wildly out of character for Tomoyo that I wrote this instead. Why Tomoyo is allowing herself to be so vulnerable to Eriol is another question entirely.

Without even thinking about it, Eriol moves closer to her. He puts his hand on her forearm, and then hugs her from behind. She doesn't move. Both of them gaze out at the raging weather. He rests his chin on her shoulder for a moment, and then lets her go.

I have this horrible habit of writing like the scene is going to be played out on sceen; 'horrible' because then I want to see it in fanart, and I can't draw very well. -.-";; I'd love to see a pic of this pose.

"No, it didn't," he says. "I didn't love her like I thought I did."

"How did you know?"

"Someone else kept showing me what true love was, and I couldn't ignore it. Part of being wise... is admitting when you're wrong," he says softly. He turns his face away from hers. The lightning reflecting from his glasses hides his expression, but not the blush on his cheeks. She smiles a little to see another sign of his humanity.

"What do we do now?" she says. She hopes that he has an answer, a real answer. The magician can pull the rabbit from the hat, the rabbit that makes everyone happy so that none of them have to hurt so the others can be joyful. The hope feels hollow.

Tomoyo's not stupid. She knows that some things can't be magically fixed. And that's where I KNOW I've evolved beyond my previous ficcing.

"Well," Eriol says carefully, "we can go back to the party. Or we could go to my house for a while and bemoan our respective fates. You can't marry your love, I can't even find mine. Another of my talents is mixing drinks."

"Long Island iced tea?"

So it's like the only drink I could think of that sounded somewhat classy. It's the favorite of one of my old English teachers. Sue me.

"One of my favorites."

"You know, Hiiragizawa-san, I could use a pick-me-up."

"Please call me Eriol, Daidouji-san. If we are going to drink together it is best to be on first-name terms."

"Eriol-san, that thing you said about opening doors.... is this one of them?"

He smiles. "You never know."

A much better, softer, cleaner way to say what I initially wanted to say in this fic.

They move towards the door and boldly she reaches out and takes his hand. He laces his fingers with hers as they head into the entryway.

"Oh, but it's raining..." she says. "I forgot an umbrella."

"Let the 'wise, omnipotent magician' show you a cool trick he learned once," Eriol says with a grin, and they head out into the rain. The drops carefully realign themselves in places where the couple is not. Rain splatters wildly into the hall until the heavy door shuts.

I LOVE this ending. Again, another awesome image. The idea here comes from an episode of canon that I had watched at the time. It's one of the first episodes in the Sakura arc, and Eriol expends some magic so that the rain doesn't fall on him. This is one of my favorite tricks that he does. It's just so cool! ^^ I'm so glad that I ended up rewriting this. The fic still has problems-- Tomoyo characterization and pacing among them-- but it's miles above the original draft.

Comments

[tsutsuji.livejournal.com]

I loved this the first time I read it, especially the dialogue. Now, after reading all of your 15Pairings fics, I think this is my favorite. I don't think Tomoyo is so terribly out of character; personally, I much prefer to see her admitting to anger and hurt rather than being so completely self-sacrificing and "pure" in her feelings for Sakura.
The spell with the rain, at the end - it's not just that it's a great spell and image to use, but also the way you describe it that makes it work so perfectly here.
I always like seeing inside another writer's mind, too, so I love that you posted this version.

[storypaint.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you very much! I try to do at least one writer's commentary for each of the communities I complete, but they're not all posted... but it seems people like them! I should post them, I guess.

I love the ending imagery too. It's one of my favorite things about this fic. ^_^