Painful Instrumental (Tomoyo/Sakura) *repost*

[storypaint]

Comm: 20_inkspots
Words: 1765
Title: Painful Instrumental
Series: Cardcaptor Sakura
Pairing: Daidouji Tomoyo/Kinomoto Sakura
Author: rhap_chan
Artist: sky_pirate_tat
Theme Set: Dark themes, #13 (can be read as a prequel to #18)
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: shojo ai
Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura belongs to CLAMP. All fanfiction archived here is a derivative of canon material that is not my property. I do not profit from these writings. The opinions and actions expressed in these stories are not necessarily the views and beliefs of the original author or me.

Excerpt: She realized that she was making this dress for herself and the implications that crowded into her mind scared her, so she put the dress away and got ready for school.

"Yay, music class!" Sakura said, with a relieved stretch. "I was afraid I wouldn't pass that test!"

Tomoyo pressed down on Sakura's back in the proper way to stretch the muscles. "You always pass," she said reassuringly, and then switched places with Sakura to do her own calistenics.

"You did better than me," Syaoran admitted. "Hiiragizawa, back off, I can stretch by myself!" he said, turning to the boy who was attempting to help Syaoran in the same way Tomoyo had been helping Sakura. He smiled.

"As can I. But two makes it easier."

"Whatever," Syaoran muttered, stretching his arm muscles to the left.

"It's too bad we're not musicians as good as Tomoyo-chan and Eriol-kun," Sakura said admiringly, getting to her feet and stretching upward. Syaoran nodded. Tomoyo tried to defer.

"I'm not that great--"

"On the contrary," Eriol interrupted politely. "You sing like a bird, like a mourning dove."

"A 'mourning dove?'" Tomoyo said, lifting an eyebrow. He had translated the words exactly from the English, not knowing the Japanese equivalent, and she didn't like the implications. Lately, Eriol had been giving her these strangely knowing looks, ever since he'd come back from his studies in England. He was pressing on her like he had pressed on Syaoran to confess, but Tomoyo was stronger. Her love would go unvoiced, but his pressure was unwelcome.

"Half accidental, half painful instrumental," he said cryptically, and she was going to inquire further when Terada-sensei blew his whistle and P.E. began.

*

"Half accidental, half painful instrumental," Tomoyo repeated to herself on the way home. Like most of the things Eriol said, it had dual meanings. In the musical sense, it meant that her voice wavered into accidentals, that is, out of key, which it never did. Perhaps he meant her talent was half accidental, which it was, an accident of genes, but the other half was practice.

Half painful instrumental. He was touching a little too close to the truth here. Hadn't she been instrumental in getting Syaoran to confess, and hadn't it been painful? Eriol would never tell her secret himself-- he was too much of a gentleman for that-- but he would hint at it and touch the corners of it until Sakura got an inkling of what was going on and then--

Her world would be over. Nothing would be the same again.

Later that night, she got on the computer and looked up the bird Eriol had referenced. It never sang, it only cooed softly. She shut the computer off with irritation and went to bed with her hand wrapped firmly around a treasured eraser.

I will never tell.

*

The next day in P.E., Eriol and Tomoyo opted for archery and Sakura and Syaoran took a run around the track. This pleased Tomoyo; it gave her a chance to talk to the infuriating magician.

"Why can't you leave it be?" she said quietly when they both stepped up to aim at the target. Flight, dull thud. Eriol hit much closer to center than she did; she was having trouble concentrating.

"This isn't right," he said, and an angry shame filled her heart. Flight, dull thud. She barely struck the target this time. She'd better concentrate the third time, or the teacher would come over and show her how to shoot again.

"It's how things are," she said, watching his second arrow strike closer to center than the last.

"Is it how things have to be?" he asked. Flight, dull thud. The feathers of Tomoyo's third arrow brushed Eriol's. He was clearly surprised by her skill.

"Yes," she said, in answer to his question, and nothing more for the rest of the class.

*

Half accidental, half painful instrumental.

The phrase kept popping up in Tomoyo's mind. It had a rhythm to it and she began to improvise a little song in her head as she walked home that day.

I didn't choose to love you
Half accidental, half painful instrumental
I didn't choose to love you so
You never will be mine--

It sounded like a song of mourning, a blues song. That reminded Tomoyo of Eriol and his irritating interference.

Is it how things have to be?

"Yes," she said forcefully to the memory, and went home.

*

Tomoyo began to sew that night without a preset idea. In sewing, that was suicide. One had to measure precisely so the outfit would be symmetrical and fit where it was supposed to.

But she picked up a bolt of plain black cloth and began to cut a dress, unembellished, quite unlike anything she usually produced.

She gave it a heart neckline and cap sleeves and an assymetrical hem. When she woke in the morning with her neck aching, still bent over the project, she realized that this dress would never fit Sakura, who had grown taller and more busty than Tomoyo over the past couple of years.

She realized that she was making this dress for herself and the implications that crowded into her mind scared her, so she put the dress away and got ready for school.

*

"What's your favorite kind of music, Tomoyo-chan?" Sakura asked over lunch. "I think I like modern music the best, the kind of stuff you can sing along with. We should karaoke this weekend."

Tomoyo opened her mouth to agree with Sakura's choice, and then stopped. "I like jazz and the blues," she said instead. Eriol quirked an eyebrow in his unobtrusive way, but she gave no signal. She wasn't going to give in to his interference.

"The blues, Daidouji-san?" he said. "Sounds very out of character for your constant smile."

Thanks for pointing that out to Sakura, she said internally, clutching one hand briefly into a fist. He looked at her fist and smiled faintly, meaning, You're welcome.

"But Tomoyo-chan has the range to sing the blues!" Sakura said enthusiastically. "Don't you think so, Li-kun?"

Her boyfriend, who was seated behind her, rested his chin on her shoulder for a moment to ponder the question. Sakura smiled at his touch. They looked so comfortable together, so domestic. Tomoyo felt left out for a moment, and then Eriol rose and offered her a hand.

"I'm going to the music room for a little while. Do you want to practice with me?" he asked. She wanted to refuse, still irritated with him, but refusal would be impolite and out of character. She didn't want Sakura to think something strange was going on.

"Sure, Hiiragizawa-kun," she said, accepting his hand and thinking how strange it felt to grab a hand that didn't belong to Sakura's. Her hand was small and short-fingered, whereas Eriol was coming into the growth he had denied for decades in order to achieve his purpose.

When they had walked out of earshot, Eriol said, "The blues. An early search for sympathy in the form of song. If we're all in pain, the pain is lessened. I believe this is the theory."

"Hmm," Tomoyo said.

"How long are you going to cling to pain and not let yourself grow, Daidouji-san?"

"Love is forever," Tomoyo said quietly, twisting her hands in her skirt. What was it about this boy that made her so uncomfortable? What happened to her famous composure?

He saw through her, straight past all the pretensions that were plenty enough to keep everyone else-- even Sakura-- in the dark. Everyone else looked, but he noticed. And he wasn't content with observation, like she was.

"Sometimes," he said. "And sometimes it is eternity."

Eternity. Why had he changed the word from forever to eternity? It seemed so much colder than forever. Together forever, apart for eternity.

"I suppose," she said, but when they got to the music room she listened to him play, and did not sing. He played "Rhapsody in Blue," a soulful jazzy tune with no words. Tomoyo thought about things instead.

*

That night she completed her dress. Generally it took much longer to finish a whole piece, but she felt such a compulsion to finish that she stayed up again until four in the morning.

Without trying it on or ironing it or looking at it in the mirror, she put it on a hanger in her closet and collapsed into bed. Her sleep was uneasy.

*

Eriol left her alone the next day, except for some meaningful staring, which Sakura was quick to misinterpret.

"Eriol-kun can't take his eyes off you in class, Tomoyo-chan! I think he might like you!" Sakura whispered when they were at their lockers at the end of the day. Tomoyo had waited for Sakura's cheerleading practice to end so they could walk part of the way home together.

"That's silly," Tomoyo said, and her tone was unusually sharp, so Sakura said nothing more about it. They walked home, talking of other things, and when Sakura gave her a hug goodbye, Sakura's hands on her skin almost burned Tomoyo.

I can't say anything. Her happiness is my happiness, right? I cannot cling to this desire,

Tomoyo thought, saying nothing but a pleasant goodbye.

*

That night she tried on the dress in front of the mirror. It fit her perfectly, like she had been afraid it would. It was a beautiful dress in its simplicity, the black a contrast to her skin. It could be a beautiful party dress.

It could be the kind of dress one wears to a funeral.

*

Later, Tomoyo was never sure where the line was between her accidentals and Eriol's instrumentation, but she wasn't even thinking of motives when she stood there on Sakura's doorstep, thinking about ringing the bell.

She had almost summoned her courage when Yukito opened the door and looked with surprised pleasure at Tomoyo's presence.

"Nice to see you again, Daidouji-san," he said. "Are you here for Sakura-chan?"

"Yes, please," she answered, wondering how he had known she was standing there. Perhaps when Yue revealed himself Yukito received a little more access to the magic within him. Touya used to be able to sense all kinds of presences, after all.

Sakura came to the door half-prepared for a night out-- her hair fastened up in preparation for makeup, and a nice top paired with pajama bottoms.

"Tomoyo-chan, I didn't know you were coming," she said uncertainly. "I'm going to meet Syaoran at seven-- Oh, by the way, that's a pretty dress. Did you make it?"

"Yes," Tomoyo answered, feeling trapped now that she was here. She took two deep breaths in preparation. Then she spoke.

"Sakura-chan, there's something I want to tell you."