Your First-Born (Eriol/Kaho)

[storypaint]

Fandom: Cardcaptor Sakura(/xxxHOLiC)
Title: Your First-Born
Author: rhap_chan
Theme(s): 30. aesthesiogen
Pairing/Characters: Hiiragizawa Eriol/Mizuki Kaho
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura (and xxxHOLiC)belongs to CLAMP. All fanfiction archived here is a derivative of canon material that is not my property. I do not profit from these writings. The opinions and actions expressed in these stories are not necessarily the views and beliefs of the original author or me.
Summary: "If you could not help me, I would not be here, would I? And my name in this lifetime is Hiiragizawa Eriol, Ichihara-san," he says, cocking his head to one side, and he looks so much like his forebear that she becomes hot all over, burning, and she thinks that she will never be able to be cold again. And it's such a shame, because following right behind Clow/Eriol is a young woman with long hair and a lover's gaze.

More than anything nowadays, Yuuko is cold.

If she said it aloud, there'd be no hesitation in Watanuki's response. "If you're cold, put more clothes on! I'm not taking care of you when you're sick!" He forgets that she takes care of him, but that is not the point here.

She doesn't say it out loud, because that isn't really what she means.

Yuuko means that many people pass through her shop, and she begins to care about them less and less. Human beings are always the same, she's come to realize. If she would think a little harder she might wonder why she doesn't include herself in that general label of human beings.

She is other, and she is cold, because the only human being she really gave a damn about is dead, and walking around in the form of a ten-year-old. She detests the idea. It's almost as if he's mocking her by wearing the form he did when they met those years ago.

The thought of it makes her shiver. Watanuki doesn't rail at her like she has anticipated. He's been a much-dampened boy lately, ever since Himawari announced her plans to move out of the city. Watanuki goes to the storage closet and tosses a blanket at her head.

She takes the comforter without protest and drapes it over herself, clutching the cloth to her face so that she doesn't have to meet his eyes. She can see the look he gives her and almost doesn't recognize pity when it's on someone else's face. She chooses to ignore it, the high and mighty Space-Time Witch. Watanuki nods slightly and goes into the other room.

When he walks into the shop, her hands go limp and she's hoping he doesn't notice her childishness, knowing he does. He's grown up a lot since he came back into this world and seems to be about seventeen now (though seeming is always a lie with him). He is tall and lithe and thankfully prefers trousers and a pressed white shirt to Clow's volumnious robes.

"I cannot help you, Clow," she says, and her voice is cold.

"If you could not help me, I would not be here, would I? And my name in this lifetime is Hiiragizawa Eriol, Ichihara-san," he says, cocking his head to one side, and he looks so much like his forebear that she becomes hot all over, burning, and she thinks that she will never be able to be cold again. And it's such a shame, because following right behind Clow/Eriol is a young woman with long hair and a lover's gaze. She's unsurprised by the shop and Yuuko wonders what he has told her. Things have changed very little over the centuries. She hopes he has deja vu and it will knock him off balance.

"Hiiragizawa-san," she says, wanting to push him out and slam the door and scream and get drunk (just like she did the night Clow told her he was going to die, damn the man). "I do not wish to help you."

"But it is not your business to have wishes, is it, Ichihara-san? It is your business to grant them." He's using the voice and he has that same grin and she jumps to her feet, her heart crying that this is the last straw, but he doesn't back down and she sits down again. In fact, she lounges, trying to seem calm, knowing that her facade is paper-thin.

"Yuuko-san?"

It is Watanuki, with the worse possible timing, of course. He wants to know what she would prefer for lunch, the beef or the leftover chicken from last night. He takes in the woman without a pause, but his gaze lingers long on Eriol. He blinks twice and then looks at her, and she knows she can't be hiding everything she is feeling.

"Watanuki-kun," she says cheerfully, "please bring me some sake from the back shelf, would you? And for my guests... Are you of age, Hiiragizawa-kun?" She means to be malicious, but he just smiles and brushes it off, just like he (Clow) used to do.

"Just water for me, Watanuki-san," he says, pretending to be the age that he looks, which is a few years younger than Watanuki, who is at University now with no granted wish in sight (or so he believes; Yuuko is hoping that a good college education will teach him to look beyond the surface, but she doubts it).

"And Kaho...?" Eriol says, looking over his shoulder at the tall woman and when their eyes meet, they both smile. It's an unconscious thing and Yuuko envies it a little, even as she thinks self-righteously that the sappy grin Clow always wore was better matched to her sulky scowl.

"Water for me as well, if you please," she says, dipping her head deferentially. Yuuko can see the moon magic soaking her aura and she thinks that this woman is only deferential in a very shallow way. She is a woman of the moon, the moon who controls the tides. She hated moon mages-- they were puppet-masters; it was in their nature and it was incredibly irritating.

Watanuki disappears and she can hear Maru and Moro enter the kitchen from the other direction, and bless him, he keeps them busy with him by asking them to fetch the sake. Clow had never liked them. Said they creeped him out. It has always hurt her a little. Watanuki says so too, of course, but he doesn't mean it.

Yuuko motions to the divan that she placed in the room last night, because of the vague idea that she would soon have visitors, and they sit. Eriol mutters to Kaho in low tones that she could overhear if she wanted to make the effort, but she doesn't try. She is silent until Watanuki brings her glass and Maru and Moro carefully deliver the glasses of water. Watanuki hadn't understood at all, she sees. But Eriol takes his glass without a second glance at the almost-child, and Kaho looks curiously pleased by their sweet shapes. They follow Watanuki back into the kitchen.

"I am surprised they are still here," Eriol says in a carefully neutral voice.

"Maru and Moro will be here as long as I am," Yuuko replies, biting off her words. Kaho lifts an eyebrow at the names, and looks at Yuuko for a long moment. Her lips curl a little into a smile. She thinks it's cute. God help me, Yuuko thinks, knowing she'll receive no aid there.

"Why are you here?" Yuuko asks, and Eriol smiles again. It makes her want to pummel him. Say what you want about Clow, but all of his smiles were genuine.

"We need your aid, Ichihara-san. It is about... Kaho," he says, nodding to the young woman on the divan beside him. Yuuko lifts an eyebrow and waits for him to continue. He looks at Kaho.

"Ichihara-san," Kaho says quietly, "I cannot have children." She clutches at her dress. This is the only body language she shows for the pain. Yuuko finally places the trace of accent that has been niggling her. Japanese name or not, this woman has lived a long time in England. It had been Clow's second-favorite place after Tomoeda, and Yuuko wasn't really surprised.

"I'm sorry," Yuuko says, drinking her sake. She sets the empty glass down and picks up a little golden ball that someone had given her in payment. One of the neko-warashi gave it to her, she thinks. It is entirely smooth and she cups her hand around it. The weight is a comfort.

"We've tried everything," Eriol says. I wouldn't have came here otherwise, he doesn't say, but she hears it anyway. Yeah, it is a desperate move if he is driven to consult his former incarnate's girlfriend, especially since parting between said incarnate and her hadn't been particularly pleasant.

"And what makes you believe I can help you?" Yuuko says, looking up from her ball into his eyes. Her gaze is steady and it makes him squirm a little. This time around, his eyes aren't as piercing.

"Well, we're here, aren't we?" Eriol stalls, but she won't have any of this. The time for beating around the bush is long gone.

"The fact that you are here means that you believe I can help you. It doesn't mean that I can-- or indeed, that I will," Yuuko replies.

"You can do anything for a price," Eriol shoots back. His words wound her.

"No," Yuuko replies. "I think you should leave."

She rises and stalks into the kitchen to see what Watanuki is cooking. Mokona is observing him happily, and Yuuko asks it to see their visitors out.

*

Eriol comes back alone a week later. She hears him knocking the snow off his boots on the step, which is courteous to the person who has to clean the shoe area, and just by hearing the muffled thumps she knows it's him. This time when he comes in she is busy with another client, who whirls around in a paranoid manner when she hears his footsteps.

"Don't worry," Yuuko says smoothly. "Take this now, and go."

"Thank you," the client says, bowing her head a little and rushing past Eriol, nearly knocking him aside with her haste. Eriol lifts an eyebrow in question and she pretends not to notice. It is none of his business.

"Go away, Clow," she says, turning her back to him and wishing that Watanuki were here as a distraction.

"Ichihara-san, please," he says in that stupid voice she hates, the voice that used to murmur, "Yuuko, Yuuko," as his lips played over her skin.

"No," she says firmly. "You know that I don't deal with life. You know I don't. You know why!" she says, whirling around to glare at him. Her hair falls down around her body, unbound, and she looks like an angry volcanic goddess.

"Yuuko," he says this time, and it doesn't quell her anger. "Yuuko, she is dying."

"What?"

"My wife. She has a genetic disorder. She'll be gone within five years. I just want..." His voice dropped lower. "...I want something to remember her by."

"Get photos done," Yuuko snapped, "and stop bothering me like this. I owe you nothing."

"Your shop looms clear as day to me and everyone else passes it on the street," Eriol said. "No one else notices. There must be a reason that I have driven down this street hundreds of time and now I can see where you hide in plain sight."

"I'm sorry, Hiiragizawa-kun," Yuuko said after a moment, and honestly she was. She knew how hard it was to lose someone she cared for, and she was not be malicious enough to wish that on another person.

"Please, Yuuko," Eriol said, and turned his face from her, ashamed of his need. Clow always had been determined to prove himself independent, even as he had settled into her company, her bed, and tied himself to the strings of her fate. All men needed women, Yuuko had concluded after a while, watching him fall asleep with his head in her lap. Even powerful magicians.

She felt sympathy, but she couldn't do this. She couldn't. But there was something she could tell him.

"You cannot conceive a child in her," she said. His eyes widened. "You... aren't real enough. Your chance for producing a heir died with you the first time."

"I see," Eriol said, and then he left.

*

Barely two hours later, Kaho came to her. Yuuko admired her determination. She wondered what excuses they had told each other when they went out, and if the excuses were believed. Knowing him-- and thereby knowing her-- made her doubt that each had missed the other's true intentions.

"He was here already," Yuuko said, stirring her tea, for Kaho had politely interrupted her lunch. She'd brought cookies, mumbling uncomfortably that they were for her "and the children."

"You know they're not real," Yuuko had said, and she nodded, but replied, "They are still children."

Yuuko had set the cookies aside for later. Maru and Moro were looking around in her storeroom for an item she would need for a later client, if these annoying Hiiragizawa's would stop showing up.

"I figured he would have come," Kaho said, smiling sadly. "He told you of our situation, I assume?"

"I told him that I could not help him," Yuuko replied. She poured another glass of tea and offered it to Kaho, who folded her leather-gloved hands around the cup with no intention of drinking it. She sat down on the divan.

"I see," Kaho said, looking down. "From what Eriol has told me of you, it surprises me that you cannot help us."

"He knows that I do not grant these sort of wishes." Yuuko glanced sidelong at Kaho. "The closest I have come is when I aided him in creating Cerberus and Yue."

"Yes," Kaho said, nodding. "And we have Spinelsun and Ruby Moon, and they make us happy, but..."

"Clow and I never had a child," Yuuko said when Kaho trailed off. "Perhaps it is best."

Kaho nodded. They talked of mundane things-- the weather, what Eriol had been up to since they had moved to England. Mostly Kaho talked; Yuuko was wary of this woman because of whom she had married. Never again would she be able to trust someone who once bore the name Clow.

When the afternoon grew short and the conversation lessened, Kaho became restless. Yuuko's two o'clock appointment had been rescheduled with a simple subliminal instruction, but Watanuki was due soon, and she was glad to see the woman rise to go.

"Hiiragizawa-san," she said when Kaho rose and spoke her goodbyes. She didn't really want to say it, but someone should go into the afterlife with no mistaken regrets.

"Hiiragizawa-san, it's not your fault that you are childless. It is him. It is... difficult to change hitsuzen in the manner that he did," Yuuko said. "You will never bear a child by that man."

Kaho's eyes filled with tears. "It is the legacy I want to leave him..."

"Perhaps you should live," Yuuko said gently, setting a hand on Kaho's shoulder, "and let that be what he remembers."

"Perhaps I should," Kaho said, wiping her eyes. "Thank you."

"He was a stubborn man," Yuuko said, and Kaho found it odd to have her husband referred to in the past tense. "He will do his best for you."

"I know," Kaho said, smiling. "Goodbye."

Kaho left and Yuuko knew that they wouldn't be back.

*

Five years passed, and then more. Seven years later, when Watanuki was 28 and had finally realized the granting of his wish, he was passing through a crowded subway when someone pressed a letter into his hand. The person was tall and their glasses glittered in a manner Watanuki almost remembered, but he looked down at the envelope, and when he looked up again, the deliverer was gone.

He took it back to the shop and called Yuuko, because it was addressed to her. She was irritated to have been wakened-- she slept quite often these days, Watanuki thought, and wondered if one day his calls would no longer be answered, and she would sleep until eternity. (He doubted that she would ever die, which was perhaps like the faith of a child in a parent they believe immortal, and perhaps simply the evidence he had seen. For all the time he worked for her, she never seemed to age.)

"Open it, read it," she said, "but I know who it's from and he can stick a sock in it-- I won't do it."

Watanuki slit the envelope and took out two pieces of paper-- a hard announcement card and a thin piece of paper. The paper was handwritten and he read it aloud to Yuuko.

Dear Ichihara-san and Watanuki-san,

Please excuse my unusual way of passing on this message, but it was the only way I knew to find you, since your shop has long since disappeared to me. Ichihara-san, I know you will not accept the invitation on this card, but I want to thank you again for all of your help. Thank you for not granting my wish. I had forgotten that sometimes that is the best way to make someone's dreams come true.

As for you, Watanuki-san, faithfully reading this letter to your former employer, be strong. Ichihara-san told Clow once that the first decade is the hardest. After that, you've made enough mistakes to know when to make more, and when to avoid them. You have a long road ahead of you. Don't stop calling her for advice, and actually take it, like I should have more often.

Yuuko, we are going to name her after you. Thanks again.

Hiiragizawa Eriol, neé Reed Clow

"And the invitation, Watanuki?" Yuuko prompted after a long moment, while Watanuki was still trying to sink in the writer's words and shake off the feeling that he needed to be scrubbed off, since someone was invading his life. Watanuki picked up the card that had floated to the ground.

"It's an invitation," he said, squinting. "I don't read English very well, but it says we are invited to a, um..."

"Christening?" Yuuko suggested in a flat voice.

"Yeah, I think that's it. The christening of Hiiragizawa Yuuko, first child of Hiiragizawa Eriol and Kaho, at a church somewhere in England in a month's time."

"That's kind of creepy," Yuuko said reflectively. "Naming your kid after your former incarnate's ex-girlfriend?"

"Are you going to go?"

Yuuko didn't speak for a long moment, and when she did, her voice was rough. She wondered how long it would take before losing Clow stopped hurting so much.

"No, I don't think so."

"I... I think you should," Watanuki said gently, feeling the way his words brushed against the bonds of hitsuzen. Yuuko had always talked about it like threads, intricate threads. Watanuki had thought of it like solid rope. He'd never attempted to move it. Metaphysically, that rope was swinging in the breeze. He guessed this showed how much his power had grown since he'd taken over Yuuko's shop. He wasn't sure he liked it.

"Do you?" Yuuko said, and she actually sounded like she was considering it.

"I do," Watanuki said sincerely. If for no other reason than to get you to leave the house, to act alive again. This Eriol person is right. I do need your help.

"Perhaps I will," Yuuko said, and laughed. "For doesn't the firstborn belong to the witch?"

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing," Yuuko said airily, sounding like her old self again. "I'll see you on my step in a month's time, then."

"What? Who said I was going? I have responsibilities here, you know!" Watanuki tried to protest.

"Of course you'll go with me. You don't think I'll go alone, will you? And you make the best travel snacks," Yuuko wheedled. "Maru and Moro can watch the place for a little while..."

Watanuki sighed and gave in, and the ropes of hitsuzen stopped swinging in the back of his mind, but very quietly two torn threads brushed each other in the dark, and shone.