Morality (Eriol/Tomoyo)

[storypaint]

Title: Morality
Fandom: Cardcaptor Sakura
Characters: Hiiragizawa Eriol/Daidouji Tomoyo
Theme: 64. moral, moral man
Leitmotif: feather
Warnings/Ratings: G
Synopsis: Eriol comes back to Tomoeda as Tomoyo's new English teacher, but he persists in asking her out for coffee.

"You're not a very moral man, you know," Tomoyo said to Eriol when he asked her why she wouldn't consent to coffee.

"What?" he said, attempting to look offended, but not trying very hard, because one could see the glimmer of amusement in his eyes.

"You bend things to your liking," she explained. "All your life-- and your past life too. Clow arranged his future as easily as I arrange my videotapes."

He smiled. "Bending reality isn't immoral."

"It's kind of like lying to the future, don't you think?" she said, and turned to go. "Besides, wouldn't it be strange for a fourteen-year-old to be out with a man who looks old enough to be her father?"

"Sakura's father," Eriol corrected. "I am Fugitaka's age, you know. You could pretend to be my daughter, out with me after a successful choir performance."

He looked entirely too hopeful, so Tomoyo walked away. She wasn't going to get involved with him again, adult or not. He went away to England and came back three years later but thirty years older, and without Kaho. She didn't want to know, and she didn't appreciate his interest in her life again. The Clow Cards were settled, and she hadn't handled them anyway. Why wasn't he bothering his heir and his descendant, who were leading a blissful life without Tomoyo in it?

Tomoyo didn't even drink coffee.

*

She was the least surprised of all of their classmates when their advanced English teacher suddenly took ill and their new teacher was a tall man with dark blue hair and a master's degree coupled with several years of study abroad.

"I am your new teacher, Mr. Reed," he said slowly. To his credit, his eyes avoided Tomoyo's.

"Hello, Mr. Reed," the class chirruped back. Tomoyo looked out the window at the snow falling like feathers from the pillows of cloud in the sky and questioned his motives.

*

"Mr. Reed" was questioning his own motives. In England he had all that he needed: a beautiful fiancee who knew of his previous incarnation, a satisfying job as a novelist, and the respect of his peers, who finally saw him as the adult he could now be. And yet when he'd Seen this opportunity, he'd jumped on it, the opportunity to teach English in a junior high in the suburbs of Tokyo.

Kaho questioned his motives until finally she elected to stay behind.

"I don't know who you are anymore," she said, turning her back to him. He wanted to protest that he didn't know either, but she would know that to be a lie. Whatever he felt drawn to do wasn't in England, the country she loved, and it wasn't at her side.

The next morning after they argued he found her ring resting carefully on the top of the bureau. It had never fit her properly, anyway; she planned to get it resized when they chose a wedding set. He'd picked it up and hung it on a little leather sling around his neck, where it occasionally swung back and hit him in the breastbone as he taught.

He enjoyed teaching. He enjoyed teaching sometimes even more than he enjoyed writing novels. There was something about chalk in his hands that made him feel purposeful, like he was when he was giving Sakura her challenges.

Those days felt so far away, only three years past, but when he looked at Tomoyo sitting in the back of his class he remembered. She seemed a lot quieter than he remembered.

He saw why not two days after he'd come back to teach, when he bumped into Sakura and Syaoran in the hallway holding hands and gazing at each other too much to notice an approaching figure.

As he scolded them and Sakura hugged him, pleased he was back, he saw Tomoyo walk on by and wave listlessly. She had been following behind the couple to her next class. She walked with just a trace of sadness in her step.

*

That weekend he asked her out for coffee again and she gave him a sour look.

"I don't like coffee," she said, clearly meaning: I don't like you, leave me alone.

Eriol cheerfully ignored her signals and said, "Cocoa, then. See you tomorrow in the park at three."

She watched him walk away, wanting to speak up and cancel their plans, but somehow she couldn't make herself do it. Maybe she just wouldn't come tomorrow.

*

"You're here early," Eriol commented as he rounded the corner and saw her standing beside the penguin. She turned when she heard his voice and he could see her cheeks were already beginning to chap from the wind.

"So are you," she said, thrusting her hands into her pockets.

"I didn't want to keep you waiting," he said. "Shall we?"

Gallantly he offered his arm, but her hands did not emerge from her pockets. She stared at him for a long moment and then they fell into step together.

*

"What is it like to be an adult?" she asked him later, her porcelain fingers curled carefully around her cup.

"You tell me," he said with a mocking smile. He shifted in his seat and his foot brushed hers, an accident that make her eyes widen and her foot pull away. The tables were very small, and she was much closer to her "teacher" than she would have wished, but at least it was warm. Maybe if she spent the afternoon with him he would quit bothering her.

"I haven't experienced that burden," she said, and he shook his head.

"You're as old as I am," he replied, touching a finger to her forehead, "here inside."

She deferred his words by swiftly changing the subject. She would never admit that his finger on her skin made her face burn.

*

Next week he asked her out for coffee again.

"What are you doing?" she said.

You can't do this. This is leading places I don't want it to go.

"I'm not sure," he answered.

There is a reason I came back, and I'm starting to wonder if it's you.

Whatever her reservations, Tomoyo came again.

*

"Tomoyo-chan, what are you doing Saturday? Syaoran and I haven't been out with you in forever!"

Tomoyo looked up from the book she was reading, surprised.

"You aren't busy, are you?" Sakura asked hopefully. Tomoyo's mind raced. She looked at Sakura, the girl eternally out of her reach, remembering why she'd pulled away, how hard it was to go anywhere with those two holding hands. Even if Sakura took Tomoyo's hand as well, like she did on occasion, Tomoyo felt out of place.

"I'm meeting Eriol-kun for coffee," Tomoyo said.

"Oh, really?" Sakura said, interested. "I didn't know that you and Eriol-kun--"

"We're just friends," Tomoyo said, not sure when they had crossed the boundary from acquaintances to friendship, and why she felt the need to defend herself in this. Eriol wouldn't care if she skipped out on him. They'd only been hanging out on Saturdays for about three months now."Have a fun time," Sakura said, her eyes sparkling, and Tomoyo felt too weary to correct her assumptions.

*

"If you wanted to go with them, you should have," Eriol said, gazing down at his tea. Though neither of them usually got coffee anymore, since the weather had begun to warm, they still referred to their Saturday dates as meeting for coffee.

Though Tomoyo had caught herself earlier calling it a Saturday date, she'd firmly banished the idea from her mind.

"I didn't want to," she said, stirring her straw around in the cup.

I wanted to hang out with you.

She didn't say the words, but Eriol was pleased anyway and the conversation moved on to other things. She could evenly discourse with him on any subject she had studied, including such oddities as the evolution of music and its place in Japanese history, and the greats of English literature, which she had all read in the original. She didn't belong in his English class, passing with ease where his other students struggled.

She liked to think logically, shooting down his philosophic theories or greatly altering them. She had that unique viewpoint of a person who has seen real magic done, and lost love long before her time. She loved fairytales, and she loved kung-fu movies.(1)

As for Eriol, his attention to the conversation had begun to waver as the winter blew down and she ceased wearing gloves. He had a fascination with her hands. She was incredibly crafty, and yet her nails were perfect, her fingers long and delicate.

She tossed her hand back out of her face to make a point and then paused.

"Are you feeling ill, Eriol-sempai?" she asked. It had taken him weeks to get her to call him by his real name again, but she would go no less formal than "sempai."(2)

"Huh?" Eriol said, caught off-guard. He lifted a hand to touch his face and was disturbed to find himself blushing. He looked back at Tomoyo, managing not to seem panicked, but either she was a great actress or she really thought he was ill, not blushing.

"I am a little under the weather," he said, and they cut their date short that day.

*

Valentine's Day fell on a Saturday that year, and Sakura made no offer of a friendly outing on that day, so Tomoyo found herself sitting with Eriol in that same little cafe.

"If you have a date for Saturday, I'll understand," she had told him last week.

I'll just be miserably lonely. I used to be really good at it.

"No, not at all," he said. "No one here has caught my eye."

Except for one girl who is much too young for me, and clueless to my interest, which is perhaps best.

And so they met. Tomoyo had her hands shoved in her pockets again, echoing that long-ago first meeting, except this time something else occupied her pocket too-- a piece of dark chocolate molded in the shape of a cat's head, which she knew would remind him of Spinelsun, and amuse him. She wasn't sure yet how to give it to him. She'd never given chocolate to a boy.

Not that it's anything romantic, of course. It's obligation chocolate for a friend.(3) My friend and my teacher.

Finally she pulled it out of her pocket, set it on the table, and pushed it in his direction. She found herself blushing when he praised her work and promised to find her something just as good for White Day.

"You better," she said, "because, if you haven't noticed, this isn't the nicest coffee shop around."

She had been joking, but Eriol took her at her word and said, "Let's go somewhere nice next week. Say, to dinner?"

No, don't be stupid, don't ask her to dinner, she's going to turn you down, you're a teacher now for goodness's sake...

Tomoyo hesitated. She really did like this little cafe. It didn't bother her so much when Eriol bumped into her knee, and all of the waitresses knew their names by now, and their general preferences.

I don't know if we can take this any further than where we are now. This friendship of ours is in such a delicate balance...

What can it hurt to have dinner with a friend?

"Okay," she said, surprising herself with her impulsivity, but he smiled and there was no turning back.

*

When Sonomi noticed her daughter rushing around the next Saturday, trying on several different dresses and fighting with her hair, she inquired as to the occasion.

"I'm going to dinner with a friend," she said. Her mother smiled in that knowing way of mothers, and it annoyed Tomoyo. "With a teacher," she corrected.

Sonomi nodded and wondered why the teacher provoked so much fuss. He wasn't going to get her a scholarship or something, was he?

Wisely, Sonomi asked no more questions, but she helped her daughter pick out a dress. It was only after the flurry of activity ceased that she sat down in a chair and sighing, smiling again.

How cute, her daughter's first crush...

Then she thought of something that made her bolt to her feet.

Is another teacher trying to ruin my life?!

Sonomi went in to the office, even though she had the day off. She had to do something or she would pace a hole into the carpeting.

The education I pay for...

she thought grimly, between studying bills.

*

As for Eriol, that week at some point he lost the ring he had been wearing faithfully around his neck, and only noticed Saturday afternoon, after a long day's work. He was walking down the street and suddenly realized he had less weight around his neck. Thoughtfully he reached up to run the cord through his fingers, but it was gone.

He was walking down a busy street with groceries in one arm and a nice shirt in the other (he had thrown it over his other arm and reached up to touch his neck) which he had had washed for dinner, but he paused and looked behind him on the street as though he hoped the ring would be glimmering there in-between others' footsteps. It was not.

Eriol took his nice shirt back in his free hand and continued walking, and his mouth gave the hint of a smile. He felt lighter all over, he decided.

*

He met Tomoyo at six at Penguin Park. Her well-dressed form looked incongruous among the playground equipment. She wore a beautiful pink dress with a heart-shaped neckline. Large, white lace sleeves bared her shoulders, but spilled down her arms afterwards to cover her wrists. It set off her skin beautifully.

When he appeared she noticed him immediately, his white shirt almost glowing in the darkness. He wore a simple collared shirt with navy pants and a pale blue sportscoat.

He cuts a fine figure, Tomoyo thought, and then scolded her body for indulging puberty.

As for Eriol, he was amazed at how much more beautiful Tomoyo could be wearing one of her own dresses. He was sure it was her own work. She had a future in the design business, he was sure.

This time when he offered her his arm, she took it.

*

Dinner felt different than the cafe did. There were more awkward silences nestled into the one meal than there had been during their four months of coffee. It was as though their friendship was changing, and neither of them was quite sure where it was going.

Still, by the end, Eriol had detailed Clow's six favorite schemes to take over the world, just for fun, and Tomoyo had opted for the position of head of propaganda or the ruling of Germany (she didn't say that that was where her dad lived now, with his new family, but Eriol didn't ask).

In fact, by the time that dessert was over, they were both wishing a little bit that it wasn't. They'd never talked for so long at the cafe, even the day that they let their tea grow cold.

"Would you like to come to my place for coffee?" Eriol asked impulsively, and then held his breath for her answer.

"No," she scoffed, and his heart fell until she smiled. "You know I hate coffee."

"I have some Earl Grey," he offered, and she nodded.

What am I doing? she thought, and doubtless, so did he.

*

She liked his house. It looked a lot like the Kinomoto household, actually, built with a similar floor plan, and it had the same amount of cheer within. Nakuru met her at the door and wrappd her in a hug.

"I've been hearing so much about you!" she said cheerfully, and Eriol flushed a little. Tomoyo pretended not to catch it, like she had been pretending for the past few weeks. Mentioning it would be opening a can of worms into this carefully cultivated friendship, and she didn't want to do that yet. She would ignore it as long as she could.

Hopefully he wouldn't catch her blushing one of these days. Then they might really have a problem.

Eriol directed Tomoyo to the living room and went to make the tea. Nakuru turned on the gas fireplace and offered her a seat in front of it.

"Fireplaces are so romantic, aren't they?" Nakuru asked. Before Tomoyo could protest her intentions, Eriol appeared with the tea and Nakuru scampered off, though not without giving Tomoyo an obvious wink.

He really likes you, the guardian mouthed, and Tomoyo's heart sank.

I know...

Eriol and Tomoyo sat before the fire in silence for the most part, both gazing into the flames with questions in their hearts. After a moment, Tomoyo spoke.

"You are a more moral man than I previously thought, Eriol-sempai."

"Why do you say that?" Eriol said, the flames reflecting off his glasses. "I did manipulate fate, as you said, to suit myself."

"We all attempt to. It's simply that you were much better at it than the rest of us," she said, smiling. They fell silent again and Eriol sneaked glances at her from the corner of his eye-- those lips, that skin, that dainty ear...

"I'm not moral at all," Eriol said, somewhat dazed. He was going to do something reckless, he thought, more reckless than anything he'd done yet, and it certainly wasn't moral.

"Now, why would you say that?" Tomoyo said, turning to meet his eyes with a sympathetic look.

"Because I'm about to do something illegal," Eriol said. It couldn't be helped. He was drowning in those eyes of hers.

Tomoyo opened her mouth to ask what it was, but his lips met hers and she shut her eyes and let him kiss her for a long moment. She thought about the fact that he was a teacher, and much older than her, and she thought about how he made her laugh, and how she hadn't cried about Sakura in several months. She thought that this could never work and she thought that she wanted to try. She also thought he was a good kisser.

"Eriol-sempai, I--" she said when his lips left hers, and then paused. What was there to say? Eriol seemed to be horrified by what he'd done in indulging his desires, even if he really did love her.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I'm sorry..."

In response she kissed him back. Their hands met and their fingers fit together perfectly.

*

In the next room, Nakuru motioned to Spinel to look through the keyhole, and when the guardian recoiled Nakuru whispered, "Told you fireplaces were romantic."

Spinel sighed.

*

This time when the kiss ended, Eriol tried to speak.

"Tomoyo-san," he began hesitantly, but she held up one finger.

"Please call me Tomoyo-chan, Eriol-sempai," she said. Her face was hot and red, but she felt truly happy.

"It wouldn't be right," he tried to digress, and she laughed.

"Throw society's morals to the wind," she suggested, "and build your world on logic."

"Can I build it with you?" he asked, still hesitant, and she nodded. There was still some part of her that was hesitant, but she decided to take a chance. There were more people in the world than Sakura.

Perhaps she could have her own happiness.

Eriol sat there on the couch next to her and thanked Clow for manipulating fate like a successful broker manipulates stock. He'd come back to Japan for a reason, and that reason had been Tomoyo.

Now he had an excuse to stay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(1) For an explanation of why I believe Tomoyo likes kung-fu movies, see my fic Kung-Fu.

(2) -sempai is a term of respect for someone older than oneself, generally in schools, though it can also refer to a co-worker with a higher job position than oneself, or similar situations. Tomoyo is being quite informal considering the supposed age difference between her and her teacher.

(3) On Valentine's Day the Japanese give two kinds of chocolate, romantic chocolate and obligation chocolate. Romantic chocolate is obviously given to someone you care for, like the chocolate Sakura gives Yukito in the beginning of the series. What Tomoyo is talking about is obligation chocolate, the chocolate you give to friends and co-workers as a courtesy, not to share your feelings.